Friday, June 29, 2012

Read another fucking book!

Sex At Dawn : The Prehistoric Origins of Modern Sexuality 
by Christopher Ryan and Cacilda Jetha 

From the Independent Study Files of J. Captain Sex Kitten. 

Ever question WHY people are monogamous (or not)? Why are we all raised up on the fairy tale "happily ever after" bullshit? Where did that come from and who benefits from it? Ever struggled with sexual issues in a relationship (who hasn't?!)? Well, the authors of Sex At Dawn are here to clarify all of this and more in a very straightforward way, smacking down the facts and dropping in the physical and social science. This book explains a LOT people, for real. Keep questioning these things! Why are so many people so attached to outdated social narratives?! Let go!!! Or just join the ranks of those of us who already have, alright? 

Most of our Western social mores and values developed as Darwin (and others) attempted to sift data on his already controversial theory of evolution through the lens of uptight Victorian culture. Sex At Dawn frankly discusses human sexuality and unravels a way more likely story of biological evolution without the cultural shame or guilt associated with sex. They answer all of the questions above, and also explain why fidelity can be difficult psychologically and physiologically, why sexual passion fades with time, how homosexuality fits (and does not) with evolutionary theory,   The authors challenges the standard social narrative of the nuclear family. Apparently, human and animal societies that embrace a more communal style of living and loving are often happier and healthier. Transcend the western culture smackdown. Embrace your inner bonobo. We'll all live more happily ever after that way. 

Link to Sex At Dawn website:

Got some sexy summer reading recommendations? email submissions welcome at!  

Monday, June 25, 2012

Bad Date? Bail Out!

So, it's a good idea to know what you want in a relationship. That way you're more likely to recognize it when it shows up. However, it's usually way easier to spot things you do NOT want. Undesirable behavior has a way of making a show-stopping appearance when you least expect it. Here are three “defensive dating” techniques from the files of Captain Sex Kitten that usually work when the going gets wrong.

  1. The Code – Pick a secret word, such as “pineapple.” My besties know that if I ever order a cocktail involving pineapples for any reason, we just might need to turn around and take out the obnoxious ass-groper at the end of the bar. This happens rarely, but it's fast and fierce, Han Solo style. Sayonara Sucker!!! Actually, most of the time we just agree to leave quietly and quickly when the code is dropped, but whatever. It could go either way.

  2. The Call – Text the code word if you need your best friend to call you pronto with something you must go and take care of immediately. Maybe she has a flat tire? Nothing horrifying or potentially fatal, that's just bad form. But seriously, why put up with low-to-no social graces on a date?! Life's too short to sit there while some idiot interrupts you every five minutes to talk about his car. Seriously. This is a great contingency plan for blind dates or people from the internet who turn out to be insane.

  3. The Disappearing Act – For serious dating fouls and truly hopeless situations only. That dude who hangs out at the bar way before you get there and greets you by rolling up your sleeve and suddenly licking your upper arm?...Wait, what?! NO! That's just....not OK. Should you experience any similar moments of speechless awkwardness and disgust, just excuse yourself. Go to the restroom for a moment, wash your arm off, then leave quickly by way of the back door.

Take care out there, space cadets. The universe is full of surprises, don't get taken aback by the unpleasant ones. Just know that it's NOT your fault if you end up on a date with a total douche-tard – it happens to the best of us, darlings! You are never obligated to stay on a date with a douche-tard. Just move along, nothing to see there.  

Had bad date bail outs of your own? Email with your escape strategies. xo 

Friday, June 22, 2012

Read a fucking book!

Reading is sexy y'all! Captain Sex Kitten will be running reviews of sexy reads all summer long. Put on your sassiest swimsuit and sunscreen and read a fucking book! 

Sexy Reads #1 

Sin in the Second City: Madams, Ministers, Playboys, and the Battle for America's Soul
by Karen Abbot

The captivating story of sisters Ada and Minna Everleigh and their world-famous Everleigh Club, the classiest brothel in Chicago at the turn of the century. Abbott clearly did her homework and does a super job of fleshing out the main characters (pun completely intended) against the background of the Victorian socio-political climate. As we already know, the crazy preachers won the political game in the end. They managed to blow up a destructive storm of tall tales on "white slavery" to enrage the terrified conservative Victorian public - describing scores of poor helpless women who got trapped into lives of sin and vice against their will. The Everleigh Club was one of the first "targets" of the hellfire and brimstone street-preachin' crowd, basically due to their high profile and international reputation. This was despite the fact that women were suffering and dying in the lower rent brothels just across the street, while the Everleighs were taking great care of their ladies and their business and their clients with style, fairness, and finesse.  

The Everleigh sisters were independent, intelligent entreprenuers - pioneers whose club deserved every bit of the international acclaim and prestige. They set the standards high for everyone involved in the game. The privacy of high profile clients was respected and the girls were treated very well by the clients and their employers. The "Everleigh Butterflies" were all given a good education, access to medical care, and got paid extremely well. Not to mention the fact that they all lived in a cozy, comfortable gilded fancy mansion surrounded by priceless art, perfume-spurting fountains, champagne and five star gourmet meals every night for dinner. Nice. 

Got some recommendations for saucy sunbathing lit? Suggestions and reviews welcome at! Thanks! 

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Welcome to Poly-Wood

 “Polyamory is the practice, desire, or acceptance of having more than one intimate relationship at a time with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved.” So says the Wikipedia.

I started pondering polyamory after a trip to Burning Man, an alternate universe where poly ideals live and breathe and thrive all over. People get “temporarily divorced” that week. There are camps called “Costco Soulmate Trading Outlet,” “PolyVille,” and “The Heavy Petting Zoo.” There is a public Bureau of Erotic Discourse (B.E.D.), with cheerful volunteers willing to honestly answer any question in a sex-positive light. Everybody makes out with everybody else and everyone is OK with it. Which is pretty much what this Hokey-Pokey is all about. 

Next I found myself momentarily blindsided by the hotness of a man who was “handfasted” into an open relationship. I wanted him BAD. But things never quite matched up. His girl took a strange attitude towards me right off the bat – maybe because she knew what we did in the back of the wood shop!? Who knows. I actually felt a little bit weird at first, even though I knew that she knew and it was supposedly OK. Fascinated, I asked him all kinds of curious things about his “primary” relationship. How to deal with jealousy, how he feels seeing her with somebody else, all that stuff you want to ask people that live a poly lifestyle. He didn't really answer these questions in ways that made sense, but he recommended that I read “The Ethical Slut.” This book, a treasured tome in Poly-wood, pretty much explains it all. Freedom and Love link arms, kick up their heels, and start down the yellow brick road.

According to sexpert Tristan Taormino, my relationship style is filed under “solo polyamory.” I enjoy being single, living my own life, loving whomever I want to whenever I want to. I develop flirtatious friendships and am open to having multiple responsible intimate partners right now. I have a “friends first” policy, because I prefer to sleep with people I really like who take the time to get to know me a bit. The idea of declaring one person a “primary” partner and creating a structured hierarchy just doesn't work for me, but neither does monogamy at the moment. Am I scared of commitment? Probably, I mean, who isn't?! Whatever. 

I take people and things as they come, but am very specific about who I hang out with. I am a wild social butterfly and love spending time with friends, but need to spend equal amounts of time by myself to balance that out. I love sex, but also love sleeping in my bed alone. Just because I love sex doesn't mean I'll sleep with anybody, in fact it makes me a lot more choosy. Everything changes. Relationships are fluid, I don't know what will happen or who I will meet next or fall in or out of love with, and I'll just keep on living and loving and see how it all turns out. Welcome to the never-ending story.  

Want to share your ideas on Ethical Sluttiness? Email your story to 

Monday, June 18, 2012

Fact or Fiction? Both!? Bat Country!

 Don't stop here, this is Bat Country!
Internet dating sites are unpredictable, colorful, and insane. Yet still extremely compelling. I like the idea of shopping for guys online. I like the variety on this buffet, even though you have to watch out for things that went bad long before you got there. There's lots of false advertising. Awareness is key. That said, now what would you like? Type in your keywords, and.... Aw. Hey, there he is!

That's precisely how I “met” Darby. Looking away from the camera, ginger beard and glasses, strong tattooed arms, plain white t-shirt, a gray cat perched on his shoulder. He loves comic books, rockabilly, and claims to be awesome at karaoke. Also, he has a cat on his shoulder. Uh-fucking-dorable. Like most of the tastiest looking men in the online dating world, he lives far away. I messaged him anyhow. 

I find Darby unbearably attractive for many reasons, the first being that he matched the search criteria for an imaginary boyfriend gleefully made up over bourbon on the rocks and girl talk. He technically shouldn't exist. I wrote a story starring the "man of my dreams" and one of my friends just went and searched him up online. Whoa! What the hell?! OK, I am not quite delusional enough to believe that this regular dude from the internet is actually the man of my dreams. Not quite, but almost. Wow.

Warning people: drunk dialing is not a civilized method of communicating with anyone for any reason! But sometimes civilization is overrated.

One night I drunk dialed Darby. Trying to flirt, talking all sorts of smack instead. He didn't hang up on me though. Dirty words flying fast. Saucy photos sexted. Rarely have I met a match for my escalating foul mouthed fantasy fuck talk who met every word with intensity and enjoyed it as much as I did. We cranked each other up. His voice turned me on wildly. I felt him in my bedroom with me while I felt myself up. Darby the made-up lover, live on the phone. I craved the intensity of his touch. I cried out his name when I came and fell deeply into lust before passing out in a puddle of satisfaction.

What does it all mean?! Is this for real?! What's real?! I woke up the next morning wondering how to go back and become “friends first” with somebody I just had amazing imaginary sex with, or if I should even try. There is no right or wrong way to go about this now, it just is what it is. Keep going! For crying out loud, don't stop here! This is Bat Country!

Got tales from Bat Country? Share your own stories with us: 

Friday, June 15, 2012

Not in the Mood

How do I know I'm not addicted to sex? Sometimes I just don't want any!!! He could show up with chocolate and flowers, buy me a unicorn, take me to the moon. None of that will get him laid, because Kitty's just NOT in the mood. Thanks but no thanks. Even though the unicorn comes close to winning the prize, I'll take a pass tonight. Why? Because I want to sleep alone, taking up the entire bed to myself. Because I want to cry about something and don't want to talk about it. Because I want to stay up until 3am and finish this story. Because I'm busy re-drawing the plans for my flying skateboard. Whatever I need right now, it's not about sex.

Candy. Motorcycles. Cocktails. Sexy men. CAUTION: Over-doing any of these otherwise awesome things may cause you to throw up, get hurt, or end up in jail. You name it, there's probably a way to over indulge in it! In fact, I've probably already found out how, and can point you towards the debauchery you're looking for.

Hey, Captain Sex Kitten doesn't judge. However, I do strongly suggest that you declare some boundaries. Just a few, nothing epic. Have one or two pieces of candy, dear, then pass the dish along. Don't drive that motorcycle like you stole it. If two to four drinks will give you a buzz, then stop there. Just because you CAN have crazy jungle sex every single night of the week, doesn't mean you should do that. I mean, not all the time.

Captain Sex Kitten here, saying that there's more to life than sex. Sometimes you really need to take a break from getting laid, or trying to get laid as the case may be. Stop and smell the roses, ride your bike, get a beer with your best friends, read a fucking book! An infinite array of satisfying things besides sex await your attention in life.  

Got sass, class, and a great ass? Captain Sex Kitten wants to hear from you! 
Send submissions to 

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

The Dating Game

Dating can be exciting and interesting for everyone involved, but just remember that it's all just a big sexy gameshow. If you don't play by your own rules, you'll find yourself playing by somebody else's. Here's some first date coaching that any personality type can run with. Keep it simple for the win! 

The first date is about meeting and getting to know a little bit about somebody new. Nothing more, nothing less, darlings. Dating freaks everyone out a little, so cut each other some slack. Take a deep breath. Relax. Smile. What would you like to know about this person? Here's your chance to find out! Ask questions and listen! Flirt and have fun.

We're going on a first date here, not picking out wedding china. That said, people have all sorts of individually crazy ideas about how dating works, so just try to be aware and get a sense of whether somebody's sizing you up as “Ms. Right” or “Ms. Right Now,” and vice-versa. Perspective.

An ideal first date includes hanging out in a casual public place where you can hear well enough to have a decent conversation. Small talk makes or breaks a first date! Watch the body language. Choose a comfortable place and just pay attention to each other for a little while. Great first date zones: coffee shops and small restaurants. Awkward first date zones: loud bars and concerts.

Pick about a two hour window of time for a first date. You want to have a clear time frame planned ahead, and stick to it. If all goes well, you'll soon have a second date. If all goes to hell, there's a definite escape route!

There are benefits to having ideas about what kind of person you hope to meet, how you like to be treated, and knowing and respecting your own boundaries. Clarify your own winning scenarios ahead of time. You're way more likely to recognize somebody who plays a similar game and respects your rules when you take a moment to know thyself.

So there you have it. The main objective: simply gather enough information to determine whether you'd like to hang out with this person again, et voila! First date achieved. Have fun, darlings!

Feel free to email if you have any questions about dating. It's tricky like a puzzle, I know

Monday, June 11, 2012

Ask Captain Sex Kitten

Dear Captain Sex Kitten:

How do you know if a guy is genuinely interested in getting to know you or just wants to get in your hotpants?! A few weeks ago I met a cute guy at a party, under the impression that he was a friend of a friend. He just moved to the area and said he was interested in getting together to play tennis sometime, so we exchanged numbers. This past weekend I invited him to come with me to a party I was looking forward to attending. After drunkenly knocking over the entire punch bowl, putting it on his head and proclaiming himself to be R2D2, I had to take “that guy” home. I felt obligated to make sure he got home safe, but found out on the way home that he didn't even know my friends who introduced us at all, he had only recently befriended them on Facebook! I pulled into his driveway to let him out and he lunged forward to kiss me suddenly, slobbering all over the side of my face. Then he BIT me on the cheek when I made it clear I wasn't going to kiss him back. Bonus round: After I made it home, I discovered that he had somehow crammed his boxer shorts into my purse. Gross!!! So is it possible to prevent this kind of catastrophe? Where did this start going wrong?!

  • Confused in California

Dear Confused:

First of all, that guy did you a favor by acting like a total douche-tard. There officially won't be any awkward tennis matches with him, and you never have to speak to him again. Yay! Good riddance!
Now here's how you can do your best to prevent this kind of crazy from ruining a perfectly good cocktail party in the future. Clarification is 9/10ths of the cure! Do your best to establish “friendship lines” around a first date. Don't make any assumptions, ever. Get the scoop from your mutual friends first. Ask him how he knows your friends – this conversation would have at least helped you realize ahead of time that this guy didn't come with any solid references.
Other ways to draw friendship lines: Use nice but not intimate language on all pre-date text exchanges. Keep the flirtation to a minimum. Keep a respectful distance. Keep your wits about you. It's like wrangling a bear, don't get too close until you've had the chance to observe how the man acts in public. This guy failed hard!
Also, why did you feel obligated to make sure he got home safe? I understand why you may have felt responsible for removing him from the party that you were invited to, especially since he made the incredibly awesome choice to get wasted and cause a scene. However, that's where your obligation ends. Do-overs would include escorting his dumb ass to the curb, shoving him in a taxi, and waving bye-bye. Thus doing away with the further discomfort of spitty kisses, face biting, and hidden underpants.
Better luck next time, love. Xo

Have a question? Feel free to email Captain Sex Kitten : 

Captain's Log #1: Hello Kitty

Captain Sex Kitten here. Logging on from Kentucky, but always traveling to the farthest reaches of the universe in search of a decent date. I'm 34 years old and single on purpose right now. This is mainly because there's a distinct lack of eligible, non-damaged bachelors within a 50 mile radius of my home. Don't get me wrong now, we're all damaged goods. I've got my hang-ups, you've got yours, it's true. Just work with that, not against it! The key to the entire relationship razzle-dazzle is finding the kind of crazy that compliments yours nicely while avoiding those dangerously unstable nuclear reactor type situations. Of course it's easier said than done.

So here's some truth about me. I'm tall, 5'9”, and curvy, as you can see. Many years in the yoga studio plus some desert island survival camping with a rowdy group of ninja monkettes has given me an edge – the ability to look into a mirror and appreciate my tough, sexy body exactly as it is on any given day. Oh, and not everyone thinks I'm hot. What-the-fuck-ever. So what. A lot of people do think I'm hot. Not the point. I care more about keeping my body healthy than counting calories. My sculpted calves look great in high heels, but I'm more grateful for the ability to pedal uphill on a bicycle and climb trees with finesse. My bust in a bustier is luscious, however it's my core strength that always lands me on my feet.

I've met many other sexy space cadets on my incredible journeys, and have been in and out of relationships of all kinds. Boyfriends, playmates, girlfriends, one night stands, friends with benefits, man slaves, three-date-wonders, and much much more. The good, the bad, and the ugly. Come along and learn from my triumphs and despairs, darlings. I'll show you mine if you show me yours, I invite you to share your stories here too. We're all in this together. All we need is love, people. Love and an occasional night or two with a dreamboat sex-bomb who momentarily satisfies every need in our soul. Can I get a high five on that? I thought so. Let's rock.

Got a story to share? email submissions to