Friday, August 17, 2012

My Beloved Bourbonista

Holy fuck, it's Friday, and Captain Sex Kitten salutes The Bourbinsta! The most glamorous high heeled bull in a china shop of all time, the mouth of the south, and one of my best friends on the face of the Earth . My Sister here has taught me everything I know about leaving my inhibitions at the door, unabashedly saying what I mean and meaning what I say. She is primarily responsible for inspiring my "choose your own adventure" style career path.  This blog exists due to her support (with shout outs to my other Sisters Provocateur), random notes taken during many back porch girl talks, bourbon on the rocks, and my willingness to take her dating advice and run with it. Some sort of social experiment gone happily awry, that's my love life. It's great. 

What will you find on The Bourbonista's blog? Poems about her vagina. Musings on the magic of cleavage. Non-violent ways to discourage strangers from living in your backyard. Stories about mishaps and misadventures in our Northside neighborhood. Dollywood mushroom diets. Tales from the turtles at her Lakeside retreat. A party girl gone feral.... Really, you never know what's coming next, and therein lies the Bourbonista charm. 

A glittering rhinestone in the rough, be sure to get your weekly recommended dose of divine wisdom from The Bourbonista Blog. Just don't fuck with her house while she's at the lake. The housesitter has done time for murder and would do so again under the right circumstances (the cats love him and he's really tidy). 

Get your bourbon on the rocks ready, here's the direct link to your darling Bourbonista. Refreshing!

Stay tuned to hear more from The Bourbonista - she will eventually drop a guest blog down for you here, when you least expect it. With glitter confetti and girly cocktails on the side. As always, feel free to email Tell me about your best friend's blog! xo 


Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Slut Pride

The first time somebody called me a slut, it had nothing to do with sex. This was not somebody I had ever met, much less considered having sex with. I was in high school. I stood up at some sort of board meeting and voiced my opinion, with confident sweet sixteen aplomb, that sexual education was important in schools. I said that teenagers deserved to have access to information that would make a difference in their health and well-being, that sex was not a horrible awful thing, and thanked the adults in my life who helped provide me with guidance and support. Afterwards, a man approached me outside where I was standing with a friend. He narrowed his eyes and said: "So, do your parents know that you're already a little slut?" He spit on the ground next to our feet and walked away. Hateful and sad. 

I also experienced slut-shaming prejudice from peers in high school. I noted the irony of being called a "slut" by a guy I had refused to go on a date with. The irony caught up with him hard by way of a sucker punch to the gut when he had the nerve to call me a slut again in the parking lot after a football game. Also, he should have known better than to enrage my crew - stoners, math wizards, band geeks, and art freaks are the true masters of creatively crafty paybacks.

Then along came Kathleen Hanna. The stunning lead singer of Bikini-Kill wrote "Slut" on her belly in bold black letters. Pissed off by the loud aggressive, testosterone fueled jerky ass dudes beating each other senseless in the mosh pit, she took back SLUT. Also, CUNT, DYKE, WHORE, and a handful of other "dirty" words, scrawled all over her body with a sharpie. She cut through the violence and aggression with words and energy and inspired a movement (Riot Grrl) that united young punky chicks everywhere. Strength in numbers. Fighting fire with fire. Challenging people to look, to deal with it. I liked her style. Hanna said: "I felt that if I wrote slut or whore or incest victim on my stomach, then I wouldn't just be silent...." And together we reveled in it. Whatever it was - our angst, our pain, our rock n' roll, our dignity, our pride, our sexuality, our self-expression.

Like everything after high school, things continue to get better and brighter. There's an exquisiteness to hearing "the S word" spoken with love and affection, rolling off the lips of a dazzled lover - "There's my beautiful little slut..." he says, twisting my nipples and nibbling my earlobe, enjoying the way I feel, taste, look, and respond to his sweet touch. Hell yeah, I'm a slut. So what?! I love healthy, happy sex. I'm sexy and proud, bitches. I'm GGG (Good/Game/Giving - in Savage lexicon). I like responsible, safe, honest to goodness fucking. I like giving and getting pleasure and passion. In the words of the indomitable Margaret Cho : "...And so I wondered, am I gay or am I straight?! And then I realized, I'm just slutty!!! Where's my parade? What about slut pride?!" Word. 

Margaret Cho fabulousity:

Monday, August 13, 2012

Poly-wood Vacation Home

I don't know if I'm really polyamorous or not. The jury's still out. I've been voted on and off and back onto this island a few times. Usually by sexy couples that want to play with me, which is great once in a while. But it's important that they realize I'm not interested in moving into their house and becoming part of a "fluid bonded triad," or being their forever girlfriend. Yes, negotiating the physical and emotional boundaries of polyamory can be tricky. Poly-wood is a nice place to visit, but do I really want to live there? For now I'll just maintain the summer home.

Everyone needs to feel comfortable for a good time to be had by all, and safe sex is always a priority, so sometimes that takes a bit of discussion. That's cool. However, sometimes this takes a fucking TON of discussion. By the time there's a contract on the table complete with details like "oral sex is fine, but absolutely no anal," the allure of the spontaneous, combustible affair can be squashed out before it began. I'm already out dancing, making come hither eyes at Mr. "Tall Dark and Handsome and Hopefully Not Married." Game over. Feel free to psychoanalyze that. Whatever. Let me know if you have any brilliant insights that will cause me to become instantly more enlightened. 

I think it's perfectly fine and wonderful for people to love however many people they want to in whatever way they like. I'm down with the idea that loving somebody completely does not prevent you from loving somebody else too. Poly people like to say stuff like this: "So, who do you love more, your dad or your mom?" Hoping that you'll be like "Uhh, I love them both the same!!!!" In fact, they get non-plussed if the answer is clearly "MOM" or "POPS" with no gray area whatsoever. It ruins their moment. It also makes for awkward philosophical discussion on this, because really who wants to talk about mom and dad in the course of figuring out who to fuck (or love, as the case may be)?!

Poly people also really like potlucks. They show up with the whole family, party down, get to know each other, see who wants to swap wives. No big deal. Except when it is. There's always got to be at least one person who's big on the politics. The chairwoman of the board, if you will. She wants to know who is married and who's fucking whom and keeps track of everyone. She's like Gladys Kravitz, she's more familiar with your business than you are and will spend at least an hour explaining everything to you. She will ask you awkward questions and look at you sideways. Apparently a single girl at one of her officially sanctioned poly picnics is like a coyote in the chicken coop. Just eat the ambrosia salad and refrain from giving anybody's husband a blowjob while formulating your exit strategy.  

As you can see, this shit is complicated. Love anybody you want to. Be respectful, honest, and safe. Have a fuckton of fun. Why not?! Will I occasionally play with a guy who is happily married, but in an open relationship? Yes. Will I move into a compound and be somebody's fifth wife? No. Am I really polyamorous or not? It depends on who you ask. I don't even know. The jury's still out.

And now, here's some more "Shit Poly People Say":

As always, feel free to email with your questions, comments, psychoanalysis, and two cents. 

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

Tips from the Kissing Booth

Kissing is way important, folks. You can tell a lot about somebody by the way they kiss. Having earned my reputation as a "make-out bandit" fair and square, I've had the pleasure of puckering up to some pretty great partners in the kissing booth. I haven't put up with the awkwardness of a face-eating, spit dripping, tongue chewing kissing session since high school. Life's too short for bad kissing, people. So I'll let you in on a few choice tips that are sure to please if you play your cards well.

1. Find the right moment...  
Everyone is nervous before kissing somebody new, that's natural. You're probably thinking about it beforehand, especially if you're having a great time together. Don't let it build up too much, the right moment will surface. Walking in the park at sunset? Standing outside looking at the full moon? Dropping your date off on the front porch? You look over and you'll just know when it's happening. Relax. Let it be sweet. Sounds cliche? That's because cliches are a guaranteed comfort zone for most people. Starting in the comfort zone is a guaranteed win for one and all. 

2. Be aware of your partner...
Good kissing is about sensing the person next to you. You're kissing them because you like something about them. Maybe it's personality, a smile, a sparkle in the eye. Maybe it's the fact that their ass looks fucking fantastic in those shiny red hotpants. It doesn't matter how you're drawn to this person, but something about them makes your bottom lip quiver. Every kiss is like alchemy - it's all about how your lips and energy mingle. Be aware of your partner's touch, the way they move, the breath. When you're sensitive to the other person, you'll figure out what feels good (and what doesn't for that matter) right quick. Find that out, and then do more of it. Success. 

3. Come up for air....
If you're one of the "face-eaters," this is where you go wrong. After finding the right moment, leaning in for the kiss, making contact, and feeling the connection with the other person, don't get so excited about cramming your tongue down somebody's throat that you lose the entire connection. Let the kiss take it's course, then back up for a moment and check back in. Is the object of your desire looking up at you in wide starry-eyed wonder? Then do it again! Is she wiping the slobber off her chin and backing away? It's OK. Sometimes the chemistry really isn't there. You tried. Now stop trying and leave that one alone. 

Practice makes perfect, right? Remember, intuition matters way more than experience. Feel it out. May the force be with you. MWAH!!!! xoxoxo

What makes kissing "good" or "bad"???? Discuss. Post a comment OR Email with your two cents. xo

Monday, August 6, 2012

Breakin' Up (Mix Tape!)

This is your Captain speaking. We're about to hit some turbulance, but just hold fast. The crash landing is coming, but yes, this too shall pass. 

Break ups are awkward. There's no way around it. Usually, if you're the one having to start the conversation, it weighs heavily on your shoulders. You don't want to hurt the other person, but you've gotta say stuff you think they don't want to hear. Usually, if you're the one about to get dumped, you can feel the "It's not you, it's me" coming on, like the breeze when the clouds roll in before a storm. Whether it's an epic DTMFA ("dump the mother-fucker already!") break up, an amicable "yeah, we're better off as friends" conversation across the kitchen table, or you just got told that "this ain't gonna work out" - here's a playlist to fall into while you're falling out of love. Pick up the pieces, dust 'em off, and move right along little doggys. Captain Sex Kitten loves you. 

Captain's Greatest Break Up Tunes:

1. Hey Boy - by the Blow 
2. 24 Hours - by the Noisettes
3. It'll Feel Good When It Quits Hurtin' - Loretta Lynn
4. So Sad About Us - The Jam 
5. Walk It Off - The Breeders 
6. Shut Up and Let Me Go - The Ting Tings 
7. Get Over It - OK GO
8. You Ain't No Big Thing Baby - Holly Golightly
9. No Need to Cry - Neko Case 
10. Just Ain't Gonna Work Out - Mayer Hawthorne  
11. The Angels Hung Around - Rilo Kiley
12. Tears for Affairs - Camera Obscura
13. In The Summer's When You Really Know - Jets to Brazil 

Here's a link to this playlist on Grooveshark. Rock out with your chin up. 

Breakin' UP by Captain Sex Kitten on Grooveshark

Thursday, August 2, 2012

Ask Captain Sex Kitten: Breaking Up is Hard To Do

Dear Captain Sex Kitten:
So what is "good" sex and what is "bad" sex? I've been dating this guy for about 6 months now, and I like him a lot, he's one of my best friends....But the "spark" is gone. I've been faking orgasms for three months now and actually fell asleep when he was going down on me last night. I've thought about breaking up with him a lot. There's other things about us that don't quite add up... but I really don't want to hurt his feelings either. I love and respect him, but am not "in love" with him. What do I do? 
Miss Mousey

Dear Mousey-pie, 
I don't know about you, but I'd rather be single than sorry.

You have to talk to this guy. Break up with him, if you really do respect him and consider him a friend. You're not being honest, and the longer that goes on the more painful it will  be when the truth hits the fan. You know it's something that you don't want to say, and you think he doesn't want to hear, and that makes things hard. But if you don't say or do something about it NOW, this situation can only result in more grief for both of you. Breaking up is hard to do. Just be direct and honest and compassionate - with him and yourself. 

Also, forget "good" sex. Life is far too short to not experience the joys of awesome, amazing, mindblowing sex with wonderful partners you feel great being with. Sex is like exotic food, it comes in a lot of varieties - you might like it but you won't know until you try, so have fun figuring it out! 

What do you like? How comfortable are you with your body? What feels great to you? What do you think of yourself, overall? Notice how this line of questioning doesn't have anything to do with another person?! Right, that's the point. In order to have nothing short of a spectacular time in the sack, you've got some homework to do first, but that's cool. We've all been there. This isn't something you figure out once, "happily ever after" stuff. Change happens, and that's actually great! Just keep going in the direction of things that feel good and exciting  to YOU, and you'll easily attract other new friends, lovers, and companions with similar attitudes to play with. Figure out how you like to be treated (in and out of the bedroom), and don't settle for less.

Good luck, my dear! 

And now, here's my favorite Break Up song of all time:

Breakin' Up by Rilo Kiley on Grooveshark

  Got a question for Captain Sex Kitten? Shoot: