Ask Captain Sex Kitten

Dear Captain Sex Kitten:

How do you know if a guy is genuinely interested in getting to know you or just wants to get in your hotpants?! A few weeks ago I met a cute guy at a party, under the impression that he was a friend of a friend. He just moved to the area and said he was interested in getting together to play tennis sometime, so we exchanged numbers. This past weekend I invited him to come with me to a party I was looking forward to attending. After drunkenly knocking over the entire punch bowl, putting it on his head and proclaiming himself to be R2D2, I had to take “that guy” home. I felt obligated to make sure he got home safe, but found out on the way home that he didn't even know my friends who introduced us at all, he had only recently befriended them on Facebook! I pulled into his driveway to let him out and he lunged forward to kiss me suddenly, slobbering all over the side of my face. Then he BIT me on the cheek when I made it clear I wasn't going to kiss him back. Bonus round: After I made it home, I discovered that he had somehow crammed his boxer shorts into my purse. Gross!!! So is it possible to prevent this kind of catastrophe? Where did this start going wrong?!

• Confused in California

Dear Confused:

First of all, that guy did you a favor by acting like a total douche-tard. There officially won't be any awkward tennis matches with him, and you never have to speak to him again. Yay! Good riddance!

Now here's how you can do your best to prevent this kind of crazy from ruining a perfectly good cocktail party in the future. Clarification is 9/10ths of the cure! Do your best to establish “friendship lines” around a first date. Don't make any assumptions, ever. Get the scoop from your mutual friends first. Ask him how he knows your friends – this conversation would have at least helped you realize ahead of time that this guy didn't come with any solid references.

Other ways to draw friendship lines: Use nice but not intimate language on all pre-date text exchanges. Keep the flirtation to a minimum. Keep a respectful distance. Keep your wits about you. It's like wrangling a bear, don't get too close until you've had the chance to observe how the man acts in public. This guy failed hard!

Also, why did you feel obligated to make sure he got home safe? I understand why you may have felt responsible for removing him from the party that you were invited to, especially since he made the incredibly awesome choice to get wasted and cause a scene. However, that's where your obligation ends. Do-overs would include escorting his dumb ass to the curb, shoving him in a taxi, and waving bye-bye. Thus doing away with the further discomfort of spitty kisses, face biting, and hidden underpants.

Better luck next time, love. Xo

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