Monday, August 13, 2012

Poly-wood Vacation Home

I don't know if I'm really polyamorous or not. The jury's still out. I've been voted on and off and back onto this island a few times. Usually by sexy couples that want to play with me, which is great once in a while. But it's important that they realize I'm not interested in moving into their house and becoming part of a "fluid bonded triad," or being their forever girlfriend. Yes, negotiating the physical and emotional boundaries of polyamory can be tricky. Poly-wood is a nice place to visit, but do I really want to live there? For now I'll just maintain the summer home.

Everyone needs to feel comfortable for a good time to be had by all, and safe sex is always a priority, so sometimes that takes a bit of discussion. That's cool. However, sometimes this takes a fucking TON of discussion. By the time there's a contract on the table complete with details like "oral sex is fine, but absolutely no anal," the allure of the spontaneous, combustible affair can be squashed out before it began. I'm already out dancing, making come hither eyes at Mr. "Tall Dark and Handsome and Hopefully Not Married." Game over. Feel free to psychoanalyze that. Whatever. Let me know if you have any brilliant insights that will cause me to become instantly more enlightened. 

I think it's perfectly fine and wonderful for people to love however many people they want to in whatever way they like. I'm down with the idea that loving somebody completely does not prevent you from loving somebody else too. Poly people like to say stuff like this: "So, who do you love more, your dad or your mom?" Hoping that you'll be like "Uhh, I love them both the same!!!!" In fact, they get non-plussed if the answer is clearly "MOM" or "POPS" with no gray area whatsoever. It ruins their moment. It also makes for awkward philosophical discussion on this, because really who wants to talk about mom and dad in the course of figuring out who to fuck (or love, as the case may be)?!

Poly people also really like potlucks. They show up with the whole family, party down, get to know each other, see who wants to swap wives. No big deal. Except when it is. There's always got to be at least one person who's big on the politics. The chairwoman of the board, if you will. She wants to know who is married and who's fucking whom and keeps track of everyone. She's like Gladys Kravitz, she's more familiar with your business than you are and will spend at least an hour explaining everything to you. She will ask you awkward questions and look at you sideways. Apparently a single girl at one of her officially sanctioned poly picnics is like a coyote in the chicken coop. Just eat the ambrosia salad and refrain from giving anybody's husband a blowjob while formulating your exit strategy.  

As you can see, this shit is complicated. Love anybody you want to. Be respectful, honest, and safe. Have a fuckton of fun. Why not?! Will I occasionally play with a guy who is happily married, but in an open relationship? Yes. Will I move into a compound and be somebody's fifth wife? No. Am I really polyamorous or not? It depends on who you ask. I don't even know. The jury's still out.

And now, here's some more "Shit Poly People Say":




As always, feel free to email CaptainSexKitten@gmail.com with your questions, comments, psychoanalysis, and two cents. 

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